Hello hello. I know it’s been a little while since I’ve posted but I hope you’ll all forgive me for making this post a serious one. As you can probably tell from the title, I’ve just experienced a break up. It is my fifth one and as I was crying myself to sleep last night thinking all the least helpful thoughts in the world, something occurred to me.
Love is the only thing I can think of that gets harder with practice, not easier. They say practice makes perfect but every time I go through a break up I feel like just a little bit of my trust and hope is extinguished. I’m sure everyone feels that way. And I was lucky enough to cultivate an excessive amount of hope and faith in love to withstand a great deal of erosion before I can ever be safely said to have given it up.
But why doesn’t practice make perfect? Why doesn’t it get easier to say goodbye? And why, for that matter, doesn’t it get easier to love? People are not textbooks. They are not instruments to be played (though some of us think they are) and they are not skills to be acquired. People are unique, and learning to love and appreciate them in all their facets takes time. It only gets complicated and difficult when the person we’ve come to love and appreciate is snatched away from us, for whatever reason it happens.
This was a mutual decision. The first of its kind in my personal history. It taught me something terrifying about myself, something I already kind of knew but never had to face head on. In the past, I’ve gotten through break ups by cultivating anger, cultivating hatred. I only stop the tears and the regret when I decide the person I’m sad to have lost was never worth anything anyway. Those who know me well will be startled to remember that my usual mourning process is at most two days long. To have gotten that good at shoving my feelings down and turning them into something ugly is terrifying to me.
I’m not going to do it that way this time. For one, he doesn’t deserve it. But for another, neither do I. I’ve often feared I don’t have the capacity to be really and truly IN LOVE for any length of time. And maybe there’s a little justice in that fear. I don’t think you can love someone properly until you stop feeling so angry and hateful towards so many other people.
I don’t know how to do it this way, how to simply let go without getting mad. If any of you have any ideas, I’m open to them. Otherwise, I’ll keep you posted on how to get through the death of a relationship… as soon as I figure it out for myself.