A Fond Remark on Robert Pattinson

Hello out there, internet people! I had nearly forgotten you existed in any capacity other than the hours of Facebook and Netflix I’ve been using to avoid doing the things I’m actually SUPPOSED to do, like school work.

The reason I address you now is this: I feel both bad for neglecting you out there in blog land (the few, the proud… the insanely bored) and slightly proud of this poem I wrote for my Intro to Poetry class.

So the following is, for your enjoyment, my poem, in which we were supposed to bash a celebrity. My choice could be none other than Robert Pattinson, who I enjoy poking HARMLESS fun at. Please don’t rip me to shreds, fangirls, it’s all meant in good fun.

Additional things we ought to remember here: Amanda is not a poet. Amanda is a prose writer. Amanda is doing this only because she is a Creative Writing Major and is taking a poetry class. This is still a rough draft of what is merely for a grad and for your enjoyment. Kindly treat it accordingly.

Without further ado I present to you, “Dear Robert Pattinson” by yours truly. Enjoy!

At first you were a Hufflepuff,

And that was quite more than enough.

Your acting seemed okay, not awful,

Held up by others, like the Quaffle.

But Twilight fans all did perspire,

When you were cast as their vampire.

If Twilight films had any chance,

It died when they gave you a glance.

Your accent was so hard to hide,

Some of your listeners nearly died,

For all the laughter you create,

In failing to correctly imitate.

The romantic lines that you deliver,

Fail to make us weep or quiver,

For under unplucked eyebrows lies

The muddied bronze of Edward’s eyes.

You’re known to brag for near an hour,

About how much you skip the shower.

You think hair grease is good as gel,

Which put your Bella through some Hell.

You also think that you can sing,

But oh, your voice—an awful thing!

More like the wailing of a ghost,

Than anything you ought to boast.

You are the one who loves you most.


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